Fear of the Corona Virus has, for some inexplicable reason, inspired people to start hoarding toilet paper. During the nonstop news freak-out over the virus, I have yet to hear any story about fountains of uncontrolled shit spewing from people’s asses. Yet the shelves at the local grocery stores are quickly being wiped (pardon the pun) of their inventory of toilet paper. It begs the question, why are people prioritizing the cleanliness of their butt holes above all else?
I’ve seen dozens of post-apocalyptic movies illustrating the potential horrors of humans fighting for survival amidst outbreaks, zombies, aliens, nuclear fallout, etc...but none of these movies have ever revealed humanity's true fear...no toilet paper.
When visiting our local grocery store yesterday evening, we did indeed notice that the toilet paper was in scarce supply. However, in a cruel twist of fate, the paper towel aisle was abundant. It’s like dying of thirst while floating on a sea of salt water.
At this moment you’re thinking to yourself, “I’d rather die than resort to using a roll of generic paper towels to scrape off the caked-up feces hanging from my ass.” You’re absolutely right to think this. Above my toilet, I keep a gun with one bullet chambered, just in case this ever becomes my reality.
Toilet paper companies have made a big business of catering to humanity’s need for softer and softer material to use after defecating. “Would an Angel use this to smear the crap off their anus?” is a question every person should be constantly asking themselves. As consumers, we insist in double-quilted, soft-as-silk, 100% cotton with a hint of Aloe Vera.
As the impending plague continues its course, humanity will have to endure unknown hardships. The Great Depression? That was a cake walk compared to single-ply bounty. World War II? How about taking a number two without the gentle caress of ultra soft Charmin?
Only time will tell how depraved society will become as the chaffing begins.
